I can't believe it's been ten years. That an entire decade has passed. Staggering, isn't it, the passage of time?
What was the 'it', you might wonder? What happened? Or, what did I do? Why was it such a big deal? Well, on a wintery January evening, back in 2014, while the rest of my family slept peacefully and I lay in bed, wide awake, I did something that changed my life forever. The actual 'it' was a seemingly simple physical task yet, at the same time, it was a monumental leap forward for me, personally. So, what did I do? I typed a word into the elongated oval-shaped Google search box. A very singular, very specific, eight-lettered word. A word that had been floating around in my mind for quite some time. I typed, p-a-r-a-n-o-i-a. From the very moment, the very millisecond, that I tapped the enter key on my iPad keyboard, my world spiralled off in directions I could never have foreseen. The eventual result, later that summer, was me leaving my almost 20-year marriage and starting a new life on my own (with, of course, my three children by my side). Over the past ten years, since first starting my self-directed research project on what, potentially, could be the cause of my then-husband's somewhat questionable behaviour and unique world perspective, I have come a long way ... baby! Today, as I reflect back on all those days, weeks, months and years, I'm staggered by all that I did accomplish. Yay for me! I won't bore you with a long list, or repeat myself from thoughts shared in past blog entries. Suffice to say, I (finally) feel that all my healing, all my tearing apart of the past, all the self-analysis, insight gained, all the tears and screams and moans and groans, all the thousands upon thousands of words typed out in four (yes...four!) evolutions of my memoir manuscript (with Draft #5 already in the works), that all of that has got me to the place I really and truly want to be. This week, I will interview and be considered for three different jobs, in two different industries. And no, neither one involves river rafting or tourism (despite what I wrote in Travels By Deborah last week!). Two of the opportunities are in the writing industry, while the other is in the non-profit sector, specifically helping women who are in, and want to leave, abusive relationships. Can these potential jobs be any more appropriate or suitable? I actually feel that all my hard work has (again, finally) paid off. And, that patience and persistence won out in the end. That today, I am, at last, on the cusp of something new and exciting, and involves aspects of the world that truly feed my soul (like river rafting did). So, stay focused out there. Go the distance. Go after what you really want to go after. 'Cuz, one day, you might just find yourself exactly where you want to be! Happy Sunday.
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Happy New Year!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday season filled with laughter, chatter, relaxation and healthy doses of fresh air and fun. For me, Christmas this year (or rather, last year) took on a new shine. For the first time in years, my parents, their two daughters, and all five of their grandchildren (along with the company of two significant others) gathered together for a multi-generational family celebration. There were eleven of us under one roof and it was an absolute blast! There was so much joy, so much love, and so many memories shared that the greatest gift under the Christmas tree was everyone's presence. With the wrapping up of the holiday season (now there's a pun!), I find my mind twirling around, once again, with thoughts of my book. More specifically, when will I hear back from either (or both) of the publishers I sent the manuscript to back in late November? I'm trying to be patient, I am, but it is really hard! I want to know, NOW, whether either is interested. Whether this memoir of mine (of about 104,000 words!) can take its final steps and become an actual book. I am ready, so ready, for the final editing phase and whatever else is required to pull Smile and Wave all together. I want this. Badly. I know I have to be patient but I am anything but at this stage of the game! A wise writing mentor advised following up some time later in January as reviewing a manuscript typically takes about a month, and then a couple of extra weeks have to be added in because of the Christmas holidays. Publishers, undoubtedly, also take time off at the end of December. In the meantime, there is planning, strategizing and plotting to be done for what I want to accomplish once the book is actually published. I have plans, BIG plans, for where I want the book to go once it is out in the world for any and all to read. I want to talk about the book, about my experience, to readers near and far. I also want to talk to survivors about the reality of abuse, how to heal and how to move on from it and live the life you want. Empowerment, just like domestic abuse, is a universal topic, and I'm willing to share my story. Then, of course, there is the hope of a movie or some adaptation onto some sort of screen. But to get this party really started, I need the book published. I also need to deal with the reality of earning a paycheque. While I'm absolutely willing to commit as many hours each day to get the manuscript polished and primed for printing, I still need to pay the rent! Several years ago, after putting myself back together after a complete emotional breakdown (after writing the first draft), I was in this exact same position. To get myself out of that quandary, I asked myself two questions: 1) How do I want to make my money? and 2) Where do I want to make my money? That strategy got me back into the river rafting industry, where I spent five amazing summers working for Wild Water Adventures in the Rocky Mountains (and off-seasons, at home, in Squamish, working from my desk in the living room). Today, I still want to make my money in the tourism industry but from a slightly different perspective. Ideally, I'd love to escort tours through the Rocky Mountains, sharing my passion, excitement and fairly in-depth knowledge of the region with visiting travellers and mountain enthusiasts. After working at one of Kelowna's Big 5 wineries this past summer (The Vibrant Vine), laughing and chatting my way through descriptions of wine for thousands of winery guests, I feel so incredibly comfortable talking, face-to-face, with both individuals and groups. And that was about wine! If I'm talking about the Rockies, as anyone who knows me knows, all you have to do is wind me up and let me go. My enthusiasm is boundless. To me, it's a natural fit. Wish me luck. As we all work and play our way into the upcoming months of 2024, I wish everyone the achievement of goals and the fulfillment of dreams. That seems a worthwhile endeavour for us all to pursue. Happy New Year! Last night, after a productive and busy day with my elderly parents, I came home, turned on the Christmas twinkle lights, poured myself a glass of red wine, curled up on the couch in front of the gas fireplace and watched a movie. What movie did I decide to watch from the coziness of my festively decorated living room? Was it White Christmas, or Elf, or Love Actually? Nope. It was not a holiday themed movie at all. It was the dark, slightly disturbing, nearly three-hour long movie, The Batman, starring Robert Pattinson. Admittedly, my attention span wavered half-way through the movie, and I almost turned it off in favour of something lighter (even toyed with the idea of actually reading a book instead!). Some weird fixation, however, kept my eyes riveted to the screen and to Mr Pattinson (as his portrayal of the character is incredibly appealing). And was I ever glad I held on, because, during the final minutes of the movie, my patience and persistence was rewarded with a gem of a monologue that called out to me from my laptop speakers. While Batman re-evaluated his role, and Gotham's reality, he hit the nail directly on the head with this final summation: "Vengeance won't change the past. Mine ... or anyone else's. I have to become more. People need hope. To know someone's out there for them. This city's angry ... scarred. Like me. Our scars can destroy us. Even after the physical wounds have healed. But if we can survive them, they can transform us. They can give us the power ... to endure. And the strength to fight." As an abuse survivor, and (fingers crossed) a published memoir author, those words could not be more true. Sharing my story is, and always was, about offering inspiration and hope to other victims of abuse, to other survivors. That from the darkness of our past, strength is found. But even more importantly, it takes a hell of a lot of strength to simply endure. Abuse survivors are so incredibly strong for living through what someone else subjected upon them. I want to help survivors recognize their strength, embrace their strength and use that strength to go after the life they truly deserve and desire. Because we can't let the darkness of our past destroy our present or our future. There's a line in one of my favourite songs that also talks about scars. Not surprisingly, it's a line from P!nk's, All I Know So Far. It says you should be "proud of [your] skin full of scars." Now, doesn't that just say it all? So, on this Winter Solstice day, wrap yourself around that ray of hope and walk on through the darkness and into the wonderfully welcoming brightness. It's there. Waiting for you. It truly is. |
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May 2024
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